I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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