Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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