I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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