this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
