Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
