there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
