Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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