We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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