The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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