3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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