Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
