The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
