The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
