I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Randomize
