There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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