1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am available for nakedness
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
