if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
