I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
