Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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