Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
