The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
