Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
