He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
