how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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