you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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