The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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