You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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