those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
