We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
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I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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