How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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