3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
