Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
wow bdsm is so cute
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
