You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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