I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
