Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
