I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
