you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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