my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
