omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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