He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
