im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
