I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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