Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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