nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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