man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
