Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
