All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
