I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
