so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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