i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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