two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
