God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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