the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
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He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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