Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
