i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize