you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
