She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
