9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
