piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
